A Lady Suffering In Silence
by Female President Cocoa-sensei
Summary: Haruka has leukemia but the boys don't know about it. About to die, Haruka spends her remaining time fulfilling her own wishes. All X Haruka.
1. Wishes On A Notebook

**A Lady Suffering in Silence**

**Summary:** _Haruka has leukemia but the boys don't know about it. About to die, Haruka spends her remaining time fulfilling her own wishes. All X Haruka._

**Pairings:** _All X Nanami Haruka._

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own Uta no Prince-sama or any of its characters. This story is purely fan made and no profit has been made._

_**Chapter One: Wishes on a Notebook**_

Haruka looked at her notebook, more like a diary that was covered with yellow and silently sighed. Taking a small key, placed on the side of her desk, she inserted it into the keyhole of her diary. Unlocking the thing she was holding, she placed the key on the side of her table again and started to scan the pages, after a couple of seconds she stopped at the very last page of her diary, the page where her wishes were written. Staring at the page, Haruka couldn't stop herself to sigh with a sad smile, _"Wishes huh,"_ she thought to herself, wondering how long has it been since she had accomplished one. Her eyes shifted at the certain page of her diary and started to read her work that was written back then when she was still very young. Her wishes that she thought she needed to be accomplished were written on the page.

**Things to do before going to Heaven:**

1. Find a decent job.

2. Learn to play at least one instrument other than the Piano.

3. Compose a song for myself.

4. Learn another language.

5. Travel to another country.

6. Try skiing on ice.

7. Write letters to my loved ones.

8. Find someone who actually loves me.

9. Speak on stage in front of at least five people.

10. Ride a hot air balloon.

11. Climb up to the sky with the stars.

12. Give letters of farewell to my loved ones. (Instruct them to not open it before I die.)

13. Celebrate my birthday.

14. Attend my school graduation and wedding.

15. Sing a song with my friends.

She gently smiled, closing her diary. She had already accomplished number one, nine more to go. With her diary on her hands, tears somehow started to fall down her eyes, her muffles echoed inside the room as she tried to stop her tears from flowing down. Why did it have to be her? Fate was being cruel and unfair. All this time, she had kept quiet about her Leukemia and now it has become the worst case scenario for her health, she cannot be possibly cured. Her illness is already beyond the reach of medicine and antibiotics. Even the doctor said so himself, one word, impossible. Anytime of the day now she could possibly die. It might be next year, next month, tomorrow, or even a couple of seconds from now. She didn't know when is going to be her time but this is what she knew, her time was limited.

Walking towards her bed after she closed her diary and locking it again, she lied on the soft mattress. Staring at the ceiling, she talked to herself, "Why does it always rain on me." She raised her hand and stared at it with her mellow sunshine colored eyes as she hummed a new tone she had composed for the members of STARISH. The atmosphere was somehow gloomy and sad. It was as if large rain clouds formed in her ceiling and rained cold freezing water at her. She coughed, hardly. It hurts to have Leukemia.

Then suddenly, a knock from outside was heard along with a very sincere and kind voice as it asked, "Nanami, are you coming down for dinner?" his voice was exactly the same as Otoya's and she concluded that it was him. She sat down on her bed and ran towards the side where her heels were located and immediately put them on, opening the door, she saw the figure she expected to be there. Ittoki Otoya stood in front of her door. Haruka then closed a door, awkwardly and gently smiling at him. Otoya just smiled back with a mild blush as he signaled Haruka to go with him towards the Dining room where the other members of STARISH were. People have always asked if she liked him but honestly, she just doesn't really know. But there are just something about him that she can't let go. She didn't know what it was and will never know what it is but even if she did, she wouldn't understand it. Walking down the stairs of white, the members of STARISH welcomed them with a smile filled with bliss and somehow jealously at Otoya. The red-haired teen just gulped at their stares, it was the result of him being the very eager one to ask if their composer is going to join them in eating dinner.

Natsuki was the first one to react in a rather un-obvious way, still, the boys were able to detect his plan, " Haru-chan, let's go shall we?" he asked as if they were going to a place, somewhere very special and gorgeous, although, they were only heading towards the dining room near their kitchen. His hands were wrapped around Haruka's arms, somehow lessening his force in order to not hurt the smaller girl. Otoya was about to say something but thought that it was not important, he was the only one who didn't realize or think about Natsuki's actions while the other members somehow sighed in depression, not accepting the fact that they couldn't get to touch their dearest composer, not even accidentally today.

Arriving at the dining room that had a long dinner table with food already prepared, the boys made it themselves. They immediately sat on the chairs side by side. Otoya, Tokiya and Cecil were beside each other while on their side were Ren and Masato. Natsuki sat beside Syo and Haruka was on Syo's other side. Dinner was as usual for them, they were talking about work, songs and STARISH's upcoming concert, it was normal and common just like what everyone has every single day. Although, there was a time where the most observant people get to realize the most important things and ruin the mood that was once good and somehow turn it into a dark one. It was Cecil who broke the warm ice.

Cecil's green eyes were focused on Haruka's face as he asked, "Haruka, did you somehow lose weight and become a little paler?" his words, alerted everyone, their gazes swiftly shifting unto Haruka whose face was the same as if his words meant nothing to her. She was good at playing fake, perhaps a genuine clown who had a lot of masks. It was as if she had complete control over herself and emotions, a total perfect faker. She's hurt and she cries, but you can't see the depression written on her eyes, all because of that stupid fake smile. She feels lost, inside her own self.

Haruka looked at Cecil, somehow disagreeing to his statement, "Are you sure Cecil-san? I think I haven't changed or lost weight though," she said, slightly tilting her head to the side as if playing innocent and not knowing anything, her eyes smiling with lies. The boys looked at her with worry, somehow wondering what had happened to their composer, not even noticing a single thing about her secrets and pain. It was a question for the members of STARISH and a nightmare for Haruka, a nightmare where she couldn't wake up. She just hates that moment when she's falling apart and nobody notices.

"Hmm… maybe it's because Haru-chan is now smiling much now a days. Be happy for us Haru-chan!" Natsuki beamed, his eyes shimmering with splendid honesty. He was right, she was not smiling enough these past few days and it is all because of her Leukemia. Haruka silently groaned inside, she didn't notice it herself. Her senses were starting to fall apart.

Haruka just looked at him and replied, "I'll try to Shinomiya-san, excuse me." She then stood up from her seat and bid the other members a sweet goodbye and goodnight. She would be lying if she said that she liked Natsuki saying 'Be happy for us Haru-chan!' for in fact she hated it. It wasn't like she chose to be depressed. The members of STARISH just looked at Haruka who was walking away from them, their faces, looks and stares filled with worry and curiosity. All the members of STARISH looked at each other, their eyes shouting the same words, what happened?

"It's your fault." Syo blamed Natsuki, pouting with a glare towards him. Natsuki looked slightly depressed and a bit confused. Did he say something bad to Haruka?

Haruka on the other hand, quickly arrived inside her room. She immediately sat on her desk and opened the lock of her diary, turning the page to the last one. She stared at the page where her wishes before dying were written, she then smiled, not even a bit depressed at the fact that her life was only limited and that she was about to die. That was when she made a promise to herself, a promise to herself that she needed to fulfill no matter what the consequences are.

She needed to fulfill the wishes she wrote on the last page of her diary before dying.


	2. FYI He loves you

**A Lady Suffering in Silence**

**Summary:** _Haruka has leukemia but the boys don't know about it. About to die, Haruka spends her remaining time fulfilling her own wishes. All X Haruka._

**Pairings:** _All X Nanami Haruka._

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own Uta no Prince-sama or any of its characters. This story is purely fan made and no profit has been made._

_**Chapter Two: FYI He loves you**_

Haruka blinked with confidence, it was the moment where she was going to start her mission. The mission to complete her fifteen wishes. She had already accomplished the first one so there are only fourteen left to be done. The second one on her list was, **'Learn to play at least one instrument other than the Piano'**. Haruka silently sighed thinking if it was the right thing to do. Was she being foolish? Was she being selfish? Was she bothering someone else because of her actions? Even so, there was no turning back. Haruka already had someone in mind, someone who can teach her how to play an instrument other than the Piano. It was no one other than her first partner in composing music, Ittoki Otoya. Haruka gulped staring at the door, for some reason, she had already found herself standing outside his room. Turning around and about to go back to her room thinking that it was a bad idea, a hand grasped her wrist stopping her from leaving.

"Nanami?" asked a curious red-head as he stared at the head of the shorter girl. Haruka somehow unconsciously gasped along with a blush. She thought that it was embarrassing and now she had to think of a reason. Haruka turned around to face him and say something but immediately halted when she saw the bits of tears in his eyes. She concluded that he was crying. Otoya's eyes were redder than normal, he looked like he had not slept for days, his hair was messy and he had this worried frown on his face. It was very unusual for him. Haruka silently stared at him, shocked. Maybe she wasn't the only one who was suffering all this time.

"I-Ittoki-kun?" Haruka's voice came out to be somehow shocked and worried. Even her eyes seemed to gasp at the sight. She had a lot of questions roaming around her mind right now. Why was he crying? Why was he frowning? Why did he look sad? Why does he look so stressed? Why didn't he tell anyone about this? Haruka just stared up at him with worry. Was Otoya this secretive? Where did the cheerful Otoya she knew go?

Otoya closed the door of his room in order to face the girl properly, "Hi, Nanami," he greeted her with a smile. Haruka immediately knew that he was faking his laugh. It was so obvious that even a grade school student can tell that it's not original. It was also because Haruka was a professional at forging emotions while Ittoki was just still an amateur. Somehow, like a virus, Otoya's frown also made her frown.

"Ittoki-kun, what happened?" she asked, Otoya looked around before opening the door to his room and letting her in. After they won the UtaPri award, Shining Saotome, the President, was kind enough to give each one of them their own room. Otoya sat on his bed with Haruka beside him. His head was hung low and it made her even more worried. About to ask the same question again, Haruka was cut off by Otoya himself. He looked really depressed for a second. So depressed that he looked lifeless.

"I can't sing the song properly," Otoya said. Haruka blinked before sighing relief. The teen just stared at her with pure confusion and curiosity. Haruka smiled at him with an honest one. She was relieved that the reason behind his sadness was nothing much important, a thing that can be fixed of practice. Only if she knew, the truth that it was all because of her. She was being distant and cold these days, she arrives home really late and she wouldn't answer his calls at times. It was all because of her, only if she knew how worried she has made him. The two of them aren't dating or anything but Otoya had considered himself as the closest male towards Haruka.

"Thank goodness Ittoki-kun I thought you were hurt or something," she said smiling at him. Otoya unconsciously gasped with a blush. She was worried at him, what have he done? He felt like his heart was about to explode for a second. The mixed emotions of happiness and sadness, he was a bit disappointed that after he said his reason, she stopped worrying about him. Compared to that, he was worrying about her 24/7, twenty four hours each day, sixty seconds every minute.

Otoya looked at her and asked, "So, what do you need with me Nanami?" his calm gentle kind voice that Haruka knew came back. She was glad to see that he was finally fine but at the same time shocked because she hadn't thought of a reason to reply.

Haruka sighed, giving in to Otoya as she spoke the truth, "I was hoping… can you teach me how to play the guitar?" she asked. Otoya looked at her, his eyes beaming with joy, happiness and excitement. It was the first time Haruka had asked him for a favor like this so he was very overjoyed.

"Sure, w-why not." Otoya replied, deadpan, monotone and nervous. He was trying to stop himself from screaming like a little girl in a candy store. He had a really hard time controlling his emotions that instead of sounding like his normal self, he sounded so robotic like his upperclassman, Mikaze Ai. Otoya stood up and grabbed his guitar that was placed on his desk. He then went back to his seat which was on his bed beside Haruka.

"Where do you want to start, the chords?" Otoya asked as he placed his fingers on the strings, gently strumming the guitar. Haruka silently nodded, if Otoya suggested that, then it has to be the correct thing. After all, she had no knowledge about the guitar except its name. Otoya gave Haruka his guitar and started to teach her the chords.

"This is A minor and this is C," he started to teach her. His hands were placing her fingers on the strings in order for her to learn the keys. The two of them continued for about an hour and Haruka finally learned most of the guitar chords. Haruka silently smiled, amazed at Otoya as she practiced what she learned on his guitar. Instead of looking at her hands, checking if the chords are correct, Otoya was staring at her face thinking that she was absolutely beautiful.

"How's that Ittoki-kun? Do you think I have a chance?"

"Absolutely, you learn fast Nanami."

Haruka giggled, her cheeks somehow blushed a pretty shade of pink, "So, when's the next lesson Ittoki-kun?" she asked with a smile. Otoya smiled at her enthusiasm. They can continue the lesson if she wanted to. It can be tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. It can be anytime, anytime she wants. As long as she wishes it, Otoya is there to grant it.

"What about tomorrow, Nanami?" Otoya asked with a smile, trying to surpass sadness. _"There is no way in hell she loves you back."_ Haruka smiled back at him as she made her way to his door.

Opening it, Haruka looked back at him for a second and said, "Sure. Thank you, Ittoki-kun. See you tomorrow." With those words, the door was closed shut. _"Just tell her that you love her."_ Silence filled Otoya's room as he stood up from his bed and placed his guitar on his desk. His bangs covered his eyes as he sat on the floor, his back leaning against the wall. _"There is no way in hell she loves you back."_ Otoya bit his lips and all he could taste was the dry air and the taste of his own blood. _"There is no way in hell she loves you back."_ Tears started to flow down his eyes, again, just like earlier when he thought about her. _"There is no way in hell she loves you back."_

If she only knew that 99% of his mind is occupied with her.

If she only knew that he was jealous of the others who spend more time with her.

If she only knew that he was reckless for her.

If she only knew that he is worried sick of her.

If she only knew that he would grant each of her wishes.

If she only knew that he was crazy in love with her.

If she only knew, then the possibility of 1% of Otoya ending up with Haruka will be raised to 2%.

If she knew, then the world would be a rather better place for someone like Otoya.

For a long time, everyday, since the day he met her,

He tossed and turned,

Unable to sleep,

Wondering if maybe, just maybe,

She was awake and thinking about him too.

Otoya placed his hand on his eyes, stopping his tears, he was a man, he wasn't allowed to cry, yet he is crying, again, "If you only knew, how much I love you… So much… than you can think of."

FYI He loves you.


	3. Just Be Friends

**A Lady Suffering in Silence**

**Summary:** _Haruka has leukemia but the boys don't know about it. About to die, Haruka spends her remaining time fulfilling her own wishes. All X Haruka._

**Pairings:** _All X Nanami Haruka._

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own Uta no Prince-sama or any of its characters. This story is purely fan made and no profit has been made._

_**Chapter Three: Just Be Friends**_

Haruka panted as she closed the door of her room, her back leaning against it. Her hand directly went on her face covering her mouth as she hardly coughed on her white handkerchief. Pants and groans echoed inside the room, only to be heard by no one except Haruka herself. She unconsciously twitched. It was absolutely horrifyingly painful. It was as if she was being stabbed by countless swords and daggers, honestly, she wanted to die this very moment but a certain saying from a friend motivated her to live, 'Pain is for temporary, Quiting lasts forever.' Haruka couldn't help to smile despite the pain she knew she had to live. After suffering for minutes that seemed like torture, she sat on her bed, trying to get rest. Haruka blinked at her ceiling, thinking things that had recently happened. She had previously asked Otoya to teach her how to play the guitar and things had been well. Everything except the fact that her senses were starting to fall apart more and that her time to live is lessening every time she speaks. Even Haruka herself is aware, aware of the fact that she had to complete all of her wishes soon or she won't be able to die happily. Haruka extended her hand as if trying to reach for the glowing light bulb on her ceiling. How the light seem so near yet so far, just like Haruka and the members of STARISH. She sighed. She needed some time to reset her mind. Negative thoughts won't get her anywhere.

Heading towards the practice room with clear music sheets, she forgot about the time, it was past midnight. After she arrived inside the music room that was when she only started to realize the time, Haruka sighed at how she dazed off. She sat on the seat in front of the piano, her beautiful fingers pressing the elegant white keys as she bridged a tune. Breathing in and out she started to play a tune that seemed to be different than the music she composes. It was unique. It was different.

shin wa tsuranuku mono  
>shin wa kawaru mono<br>shin wa mouko no bashoni aru noni

She sang really slow and sweet that it sounded really sad her singing was being accompanied by the piano itself as she pressed the keys with pure professionalism. It was not like Haruka to sing as song but she had to do it. It was one of her wishes after all, to **'compose a song for myself'**. At first, she thought that it was a bad idea because she wondered if she was being selfish but in the end decided to give it a go. If she wanted to be happy, she needed to do everything to fulfill her wishes and have no regrets in death. The sound of slow claps echoed inside the room. Haruka turned back to see who it was and found out that it was no one other than Aijima Cecil.

"C-Cecil-san!" Haruka shouted in a very silent voice, her face blushing like no end. She was really embarrassed. She did not know or notice that Cecil was there all the time listening to her sing. She thought she had brought shame to herself. She looked down her lap and blushed. Cecil silently smiled at her.

"That was amazing, Haruka. As expected of my dearest princess," Cecil complimented her. Haruka smiled but frowned inside.

"_Lies, everything is a lie." _Haruka tilted her head to the side along with a smile and asked, "Really Cecil-san?" her voice slowly broke apart. She wanted Cecil to shake his head at her. This has always been the case between her and Cecil, also among the boys. When she's at her worst they would always lie to her in order to make her better. It was sweet of them but there are also times where Haruka wants to hear the truth. Just like what they say, the bitter most lies are better than the sweetest lies. One lie was enough to question all truth.

Cecil silently nodded, "It was absolutely perfect." He wrapped his arms around her waist. His smile was sweet and mild. Haruka obviously fake smiled back at him. He had always deemed her as his, even though she was not. Haruka sighed inside for she knew that Cecil was just lying to himself. His never giving up attitude for her only made her wanting to laugh. What did he see in a person like her? What did he see that he fell in love with her? What did she do to deserve his unending love? She thought that she didn't deserve Cecil or anyone. She is also about to die so if she adds romance in her life, things will get more complicated than it is right now. She wondered how he could bring himself to say those words at her. Her playing obviously sucked but why… why did he have to lie?

Haruka just faked a smile at him, "T-Thank you for your kind words, Cecil-san," she said. Cecil giggled at her formality towards him but he somehow found the way she acted cute. The shorter girl sighed as she gathered the music sheets that were placed on the side of the grand piano, her hand clenching on the pen she was holding. How was she supposed to compose a song when she's on a state like this?

Cecil blinked at his proclaimed self announced princess, "Are you being bothered by something, Haruka?" he gently asked, his voice calm and obviously worried. Haruka simply shook her head making Cecil frowned. Was he not enough? What did he lack? Why would Haruka not trust him? Why would she not let him help her?

Cecil frowned for a second but then replaced it with a gently smile, "Haruka, everyone in this world is imperfect but there are people who find them perfect. We all fear rejection, want attention, crave affection and desire perfection. Appearance is might be the reason why people stare at someone for a couple of times but what's important is here," he pointed unto Haruka's heart as he beamed a smile that might beat Otoya's, "your heart. Kindness is what matters. That's what makes you beautiful," he said. Haruka gasped a those words.

"That's what you have taught me right Haruka?" he asked. Haruka finally smiled, he remembered the words she had told him and it somehow made her happy. Cecil looked at Haruka and waved goodbye before he headed towards the door and take his exit. Ever so suddenly, Haruka shouted his name and mouthed a simple goodbye at him. Cecil smiled and nodded before exiting the room and closing the door.

Haruka stared at the piano keys before pressing them with her fingers. She took a deep breath and started to compose a tune for her very own song. The moment her fingers slid on the piano keys, her mind could only think of Cecil. A sound rang out inside the room to be followed by another one. The music was filled with longing and stopping, a melody that reflected her feelings for him… towards Cecil.

Just be friends All we gotta do  
>Just be friends It's time to say goodbye<br>Just be friends All we gotta do  
>Just be friends Just be friends...<p>

I remembered early yesterday morning  
>Why do I feel<br>As if I'm gathering piece of broken glass? Blood drips from my cut fingers  
>I wonder if we wanted to do these kinds of things<p>

I already knew deep inside my heart  
>That the most painful choice would be the best<br>My self-love refuses it and as a result, self-contradiction repeats  
>I wonder when we can talk<p>

In this slowly decaying world  
>A path for my struggling self<br>I carve in your colorless smile  
>I pulled off the plug<p>

I shouted until my voice was dry  
>The echo reverberates in the empty air<br>Although there was nothing left  
>After the chains were removed<p>

Fate that allowed us to meet  
>The darkness interrupts countless and relentless time<br>"So this is how it is..." I murmured  
>Somebody's tears flow down dried cheeks<p>

All we gotta do Just be friends  
>It's time to say goodbye Just be friends<br>All we gotta do Just be friends  
>Just be friends Just be friends...<p>

The song ended with Haruka hanging her head low, her bangs covering her eyes as tears flowed down her cheeks. She knew that he was out there… listening to her voice, yet… she continued to sing. She wanted him to know how she thought of him and because of that… the two of them will be remaining as friends.

Cecil sighed with a sad smile as he let his back slide on the door, "Just be friends…" he whispered.

"There's no way I can do that," he continued as his tears flowed down his face.

Cecil might be emotionally and mentally strong because of his confidence but there is still one thing he couldn't manage to do...

Six letters, two words, easy to say, hard to explain, harder to do and if you'll manage... you'll soul will probably break.

Moving on wasn't inside his vocabulary.

Little did Haruka know that because of that song, Cecil repeated the same question over and over again inside his head,

"What did he lack?"


End file.
